Thursday, January 11, 2007

I Spoke Too Soon

I felt better, really I did...then I woke up this morning!

It was my late day, I slept until 7:40 this morning and woke up on my own rather than the buzz of the alarm or that creepy feeling that someone is staring at me. My back hurt a little bit. I got in a steamy shower but no matter how hot the water the nagging ache in my back wouldn't go away. I found the ibuprofen and hoped they would help. I struggled into my clothes. I managed to brush teeth and do the girls' hair with a minimum of movement...okay, maybe the day wouldn't be so bad. On the way out the door I picked up my laptop bag and THOUGHT I WOULD DIE. I managed to drag it to the car and get everyone buckled. All I really wanted was another hot shower and to lay down in my bed with a bit of pharmaceutical intervention--big meeting, no chance that was happening.

I struggled through the morning, trying to make sure I was prepared for the meeting and worried about whether or not I'd be able to stand up to lead it. I had a grand plan to go out and find one of those hot patch thingies. Then I started a conversation about the big meeting with an executive and couldn't pull myself away. Ran to preschool, another meeting, and another dose of ibuprofen. I felt almost normal--if normal is a twinge here and there while trying to get a room full of highly paid people to admit we have a big freaking problem and focus them enough to figure out what the heck to do it about it. We didn't get that far in 2 hours, need follow-up meetings, lots of them. Back feels quite a bit better, was it the ibuprofen or was it just built up stress that was causing the pain.

Some days I go to meetings at work and wonder if I am a fraud. Do I really know what I am doing? Do I really know enough to make decisions that could impact our business? I wonder how in the hell I ended up where I am--I have a degree in education, I used to live with college freshmen settling fights between roommates over cohabitation and going into rooms late at night with the police to bust people smoking pot. I go into meetings like today and am in awe that people with lofty titles and big salaries let me lead them through difficult discussions and cut them off when they wander far afield. Then I get in my groove and in two sentences I pull out of the air the point that three people just spent twenty minutes trying to make. Why is it called common sense? It isn't so common and people just seem to gravitate towards it if its offered up. Maybe I should depend on it a bit more often and like with health issues, spend less time worrying about whether I should be there and if I can do it and more time embracing it and believing I know what I am doing.

2 comments:

g-man said...

I think it is only natural, I feel the same way from time to time. (perhaps we are just both messed up in the same way)

Judy said...

((((((Heather)))))) I have a friend that is a VP at a major company and she still thinks every day she'll be found out to be an impostor. When people ask me to collaborate on things I wonder why do they think I can do that??? I wouldn't know the first thing about it. But they want me, they really want me. It's a true phenomen. Check this out. http://www.impostorsyndrome.com/