Ever since Parent Bloggers Network announced their blog blast for Mother's Day I have been pondering what it is that makes me a Mom. At work, playing with the kids, cooking dinner, in traffic, laying in bed I've been thinking about my Mom-ness.
The first thought that comes to mind is the day my first daughter was born. I'd felt awful for weeks and attributed it to heartburn (and later found out it was HELLP syndrome). I'd suffered through daily finger sticks because of gestational diabetes. I got a call from one of the doctor's in my OB practice who said in a semi-concerned voice, we'd like you to come to the hospital to repeat some blood work, it would be good to pack your things, you might be staying. I mean, I knew it was coming, I desperately wanted to not be pregnant and not feel like hell but I was scared. Sure enough they kept me, they gave me an epidural that didn't work, they broke my water when I was 1 cm to try and get things moving, they started the mag sulfate that made me feel even worse, my husband slept while I suffered, the nice nurse left, then dawn broke, the epidural was fixed and the new OB on duty said you are having this baby NOW and 17 minutes later she joined this world. Tiny and perfect. Hearing that cry welcomed me to Mom-ness. Suffering through that first night alone in L&D still being pumped full of drugs to keep my blood pressure under control knowing that no matter how bad I felt *I* was responsible for this little life was a real eye opening experience and believe me, it was ALL I could do to keep my eyes opens. I remember being terrified to say anything to anyone because they might take her away but I couldn't believe they kept leaving her with me to nurse. I could barely hold up my own head. But I did it, there was a determination there that I'd never, ever felt before. What an introduction to the sleepless nights, worrying if the baby was breathing, worrying whether the baby was eating, worrying if the baby was pooping, worrying about the vaccinations, worrying if I was doing anything right, worrying that my parents were going to leave (and to think I'd worried that they were coming to stay for a week) and lots of worrying about going back to work. That determination, responsibility and worry all have a name-unconditional love.
We lived through infant hood--twice (well Gman gets a big gold star for living through it FOUR times)! The story I often relay about when I *really* knew I was a Mom is story of the movie, the vomit and the poncho. Boobah was a little less than two years old and I was blessedly inexperienced of taking care of sick kids. Gman once went seven years without missing a day of work because he was sick, thankfully the girls inherited his immune system--we've been asked more than once at the pediatrician's office--she goes to daycare?--when they see the very, very thin chart. She had been throwing up on and off during the week but had been 36 hours vomit free when we decided it was safe to take her to the movies with friends--her first. We get to the movies with our friends and their three young girls stair stepped between ours. We sat in the front row of the back section. Lots of room for the kids to roam if needed and room to park the stroller. I thought the fact that Boobah curling up on my lap was a good sign, maybe she'd fall asleep in my lap and I could enjoy the movie--Robots--if I remember correctly. About 3 minutes later, all hell or rather lunch, broke loose. Boobah sat up and spewed toxic waste. My pre-Mom instinct to get the hell out of the way had vanished. I did the Mom-ly thing and caught the vile red tinged chunks (because my children only puke pizza, spaghetti sauce or other tomato based products) in her little purple poncho. Those are Mom instincts pure and simple, you can't be taught that it just suddenly comes out of you born from unconditional love!
So I guess what makes me a Mom is the overwhelming sense of responsibility for everything about this little person who can't do anything for themselves. The responsibility to teach them, the keep them safe, to nourish their body and soul. And for me that comes with worry--is this babysitter good enough, will that preschool be okay, what is me going to work doing to the, do they watch too much TV, where the heck did they learn to pole dance and what will people think of THAT? As they grow the shades of responsibility change but its still about food, safety and making their way in the world. The worry changes a bit too, its not so much about what I am doing its more about what are they going to do. The other part of motherhood that has blown me away is unconsciousness of putting someone else first. Would I catch vomit by choice--no. For my kid, there was no thought, I just did it. There are lots of things that I way over think but when I just let the instincts take over I am a better Mom for all of us. I like to think of it as just letting the love do its job.
My final thought on what makes me a Mom, all the stuff I learned from the Moms who came before me and the Moms who are sharing Mom-ness with me now. I come from a long line of old ladies. I lost three great-grandmothers since 2000 they were 96, 98 and 101 and I have good memories of each of them. They endured a lot and overcame it to share their experience with three generations. My grandmothers both turned 80 in the last 4 months and are phenomenal women. They are as different as day and night and from that I've learned lots of lessons about who I want to be as a Mom and a Grandma and maybe more importantly who I don't. My mother is a force unto the universe. A working Mom role model when most Moms didn't work. I am surrounded by wonderful Moms of my generation who teach me new stuff, make me think and in the process make me a better Mom. We are teaching each other to be a Mom in a time and a place that is so different from the one we grew up in. I feel privileged to share with them in real life and in world wide web.
Tag, you are it. Join in the blog blast sponsored by Light Iris and Parent Bloggers Network and grab your chance to win a $100 Spa Finder gift certificate. Just post about what makes YOU a Mom. Send a link to your post to parentbloggers@gmail.com for your chance to win.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I'm Melting......
Yeah, not in the weight loss sense unfortunately. I had a high fever on Friday night, my cheeks were seriously flaming and I felt really horrible. Finally the fever broke and I ended up in a big sweaty puddle--yeah, don't you wish you shared the bed with me? I haven't had a fever since but my temperature control mechanism still isn't right. I've been too hot, I've been too cold but I haven't found just right yet. I actually stayed home from work both Friday and yesterday to try and make sure that I was in decent form this morning to face the executive staff of my company and review a project proposal with them.
So I got up this morning and went for acupuncture, might as well go in as well centered as I could be. It was the same way I started the day that I got sick and ran the meeting that precipitated this one. I have little doubt the stress of that hellish event contributed to being stricken by the plague. By the time I got to the presentation it was hot in their suite, they kept us waiting for 20 minutes and I was feeling a bit queasy. Finally I ran to the bathroom--wouldn't you know that while I was gone they summoned our little group--6 men and little old me. The others, all guys, all senior managers went in and took a seat. Thankfully my colleague grabbed chairs out of another room for the two of us while I handed out the presentation (only half of them in color because apparently they've now limited the number of copies you can send to the color printer unbeknownst to me until 2 minutes before the meeting). Finally I got a chance to sit down and two of the female execs pulled a chair up close to the big people table for me right between them. One of them was so close and kept looking at me intently every time I spoke--I wanted to tell her that her knew glasses were great, it was a bit disconcerting having such a great view of them for SO long!
They were ready to start, the exec in charge the project gave a long introduction while I sat there, he ended rather abruptly and I felt myself fall into the abyss--they expected me to start talking and what do you say to follow that introduction? I could feel my face flush, I could feel sweat forming on my forehead and under my arms, I took a deep breath and jumped in. There were a couple of times I looked at the slides that had occupied my weekend in bed and I swear there were words I'd never seen before! The hour went pretty quickly, thank goodness. The peanut gallery that came to meeting to field questions might have said a dozen sentences between them--from the good chairs. I feel like I escaped unscathed, I can't wait to hear the action items I got assigned after we were dismissed. I really did think for just a moment there wasn't going to be anything left of me but a puddle in that chair.
Blog Blast
Parent Bloggers Network is sponsoring its first blog blast in honor of Mother's Day and inspired by LightIris founder and dad Kevin who has been wearing a Preggo Suit all month long. Can he really actually be empathic to what moms go through? And is being a mom just about the actual having of the kids? or the raising of the kids? What is it that makes YOU a mom? Post anytime on Friday May 11 and e-mail a link to parentbloggers@gmail.com for the chance to be included and maybe even win $100 SPA FINDER gift card in a random drawing!
So I got up this morning and went for acupuncture, might as well go in as well centered as I could be. It was the same way I started the day that I got sick and ran the meeting that precipitated this one. I have little doubt the stress of that hellish event contributed to being stricken by the plague. By the time I got to the presentation it was hot in their suite, they kept us waiting for 20 minutes and I was feeling a bit queasy. Finally I ran to the bathroom--wouldn't you know that while I was gone they summoned our little group--6 men and little old me. The others, all guys, all senior managers went in and took a seat. Thankfully my colleague grabbed chairs out of another room for the two of us while I handed out the presentation (only half of them in color because apparently they've now limited the number of copies you can send to the color printer unbeknownst to me until 2 minutes before the meeting). Finally I got a chance to sit down and two of the female execs pulled a chair up close to the big people table for me right between them. One of them was so close and kept looking at me intently every time I spoke--I wanted to tell her that her knew glasses were great, it was a bit disconcerting having such a great view of them for SO long!
They were ready to start, the exec in charge the project gave a long introduction while I sat there, he ended rather abruptly and I felt myself fall into the abyss--they expected me to start talking and what do you say to follow that introduction? I could feel my face flush, I could feel sweat forming on my forehead and under my arms, I took a deep breath and jumped in. There were a couple of times I looked at the slides that had occupied my weekend in bed and I swear there were words I'd never seen before! The hour went pretty quickly, thank goodness. The peanut gallery that came to meeting to field questions might have said a dozen sentences between them--from the good chairs. I feel like I escaped unscathed, I can't wait to hear the action items I got assigned after we were dismissed. I really did think for just a moment there wasn't going to be anything left of me but a puddle in that chair.
Blog Blast
Parent Bloggers Network is sponsoring its first blog blast in honor of Mother's Day and inspired by LightIris founder and dad Kevin who has been wearing a Preggo Suit all month long. Can he really actually be empathic to what moms go through? And is being a mom just about the actual having of the kids? or the raising of the kids? What is it that makes YOU a mom? Post anytime on Friday May 11 and e-mail a link to parentbloggers@gmail.com for the chance to be included and maybe even win $100 SPA FINDER gift card in a random drawing!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Maven Says: Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box
Whenever I have an issue, my first thought is to go read all about it--the bookstore, library or the Internet. With one exception, my dirty little secret I typically avoid parenting books. Pretty early on in the parenting gig I figured out that a lot of the books I read made me feel bad about what ever I was doing even when my gut was telling me that it was right. Battling through PDQ the sleepless and trying all those other ideas, I finally decided that the combination of my gut and Gman's many years of experience we'd be okay. That theory has worked pretty well but in my avoidance of reading of the parenting genre I have totally missed Mommy reading. If there were nothing else of value in Ann Dunnewold's book Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting) the reading list I accumulated as I read would be so worth it. The reading list is just the tip of the iceberg though, the real life, common sense tone of this book alternately made me see the silliness of some of my SuperMommy thinking and made me feel better about the majority of my parenting choices, a very fine line when you think about it. Kind of like telling me to go to hades and me wanting to go there!
Right after I agreed to review the book I had the taking time for yourself discussion with a couple of friends and wrote about it here. When the book arrived I immediately carried it up to my room to begin reading. I saw myself in the first pages of the first chapter doing things like staying up all night making the perfect cookies for a preschool party to assuage my Mommy Guilt for working. There have been many occasions where I have not been able to be present at an event and to make myself feel better I have WAY overdone it on the cookies/goodie bag or whatever other thing I've taken on. I always knew it my gut that it was silly but reading it in print made me cringe just a bit and maintain the ability to laugh at myself. The concept of the "perfectly good mom" was introduced and I was hooked. Perfection is impossible, being "clearly good" or "as good as is necessary" are doable and who doesn't want to feel successful as a parent? Life overcame my reading time and I wasn't able to pick the book up for over a week but in that time I must have had half a dozen discussions with other women (and a guy or two) about the concept of not trying to be perfect but perfectly good. It provoked many insightful conversations, particularly with the older, wiser, been-there-done-that women that I am lucky to have in my life. As I finished the book I found that I had worked ahead, the last chapter was about building a strong support network and spreading the word and actively speaking out and standing up for yourself in the insane competition for Mommy of the Century.
Dunnewold explores the messages we are inundated with that encourage us to be perfect. She lays out the traps of overperfecting, over protecting, and overproducing. As I read about these I could certainly see a little of myself and nearly every other Mom I know. Some of us more than others and each with our unique quirky take on the madness. The mantras like, "there are no perfect mothers" and "parenting is not a contest" seem like common sense but for me, and I am sure many others they are easy to forget everyday in the trenches. I appreciated that Dunnewold left room for each of our own idiosyncrasies, we can each have one or two things that we obsess over and if we can just chill out about everything else, that is fine. Its that tone that makes this book a real winner for me, no judgement just showing the reader that what they think is right probably is and its good to follow your mind and heart. In that vein she encourages you to look at your values, know them and follow them.
I would recommend Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box to anyone who feels the pressure of the Mommy Olympics. There is no us vs. them in this book, I could see the SAHM struggles more clearly and I felt that it represented the issues of the working mom as well. Instead of pitting us against each other Dunnewold calls for us to work together for our health and to raise healthy kids in today's world. I'll offer up just a bit of my own insanity in my posts about staying up until midnight to get into Summer Camp or spending months picking out the "right" preschool and the huge allergic reaction that I wasn't there for. This book reaffirmed for me that I need to chill out, know what I believe in and follow my gut. If you want to hear other takes on the book, head on over to Parent Bloggers Network for 24 more reviews of the book.
Right after I agreed to review the book I had the taking time for yourself discussion with a couple of friends and wrote about it here. When the book arrived I immediately carried it up to my room to begin reading. I saw myself in the first pages of the first chapter doing things like staying up all night making the perfect cookies for a preschool party to assuage my Mommy Guilt for working. There have been many occasions where I have not been able to be present at an event and to make myself feel better I have WAY overdone it on the cookies/goodie bag or whatever other thing I've taken on. I always knew it my gut that it was silly but reading it in print made me cringe just a bit and maintain the ability to laugh at myself. The concept of the "perfectly good mom" was introduced and I was hooked. Perfection is impossible, being "clearly good" or "as good as is necessary" are doable and who doesn't want to feel successful as a parent? Life overcame my reading time and I wasn't able to pick the book up for over a week but in that time I must have had half a dozen discussions with other women (and a guy or two) about the concept of not trying to be perfect but perfectly good. It provoked many insightful conversations, particularly with the older, wiser, been-there-done-that women that I am lucky to have in my life. As I finished the book I found that I had worked ahead, the last chapter was about building a strong support network and spreading the word and actively speaking out and standing up for yourself in the insane competition for Mommy of the Century.
Dunnewold explores the messages we are inundated with that encourage us to be perfect. She lays out the traps of overperfecting, over protecting, and overproducing. As I read about these I could certainly see a little of myself and nearly every other Mom I know. Some of us more than others and each with our unique quirky take on the madness. The mantras like, "there are no perfect mothers" and "parenting is not a contest" seem like common sense but for me, and I am sure many others they are easy to forget everyday in the trenches. I appreciated that Dunnewold left room for each of our own idiosyncrasies, we can each have one or two things that we obsess over and if we can just chill out about everything else, that is fine. Its that tone that makes this book a real winner for me, no judgement just showing the reader that what they think is right probably is and its good to follow your mind and heart. In that vein she encourages you to look at your values, know them and follow them.
I would recommend Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box to anyone who feels the pressure of the Mommy Olympics. There is no us vs. them in this book, I could see the SAHM struggles more clearly and I felt that it represented the issues of the working mom as well. Instead of pitting us against each other Dunnewold calls for us to work together for our health and to raise healthy kids in today's world. I'll offer up just a bit of my own insanity in my posts about staying up until midnight to get into Summer Camp or spending months picking out the "right" preschool and the huge allergic reaction that I wasn't there for. This book reaffirmed for me that I need to chill out, know what I believe in and follow my gut. If you want to hear other takes on the book, head on over to Parent Bloggers Network for 24 more reviews of the book.
What a couple of days of the plague will teach you
I spent most of my time since Thursday evening in my bed. Friday I tried to go to work for an hour to finish something and got sent home. My acupuncturist stopped by on his way home and worked some of his magic that (in combination with some ibuprofen) made me decide I might live. Being sick occasionally is good for us I've decided. It reminded me that the world can move on without me--Gman took great care of the kids, kept the house as clean as it ever is, and came to check on me asking if he could rub my...insert body part here... My beautiful girls came to check on me and ask me if I was feeling better with great care and concern in their little voices. Stuff got done at work, I had to use what was functioning of my brain to dump the stuff that no one else knew but they managed to get it taken care of way faster and I'm sure better than I could have in the state I was in.
Its not that I think I am indispensable, I just act like it a lot of the time. I want (need?) things done and while I am at it I want it done my way! I have a bad habit of not listening to my body and giving it the rest or activity it needs--but I've been working on that. Somewhere along the line (I am guessing from my very own supermom) I picked up the idea that doing it all was what I was supposed to do. I've learned the hard way I can't and a few days of feeling horrible is a good reminder that Gman and the kids can take care of themselves even if they don't like it very much. It was also a good reminder that Gman is my soul mate and that I probably don't show him nearly enough appreciation for just being him. Stay tuned for my review of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting. It has been a real think piece for me on the theme of what is expected of us as mothers so I'll post it here and not just on Maven Says.
Its not that I think I am indispensable, I just act like it a lot of the time. I want (need?) things done and while I am at it I want it done my way! I have a bad habit of not listening to my body and giving it the rest or activity it needs--but I've been working on that. Somewhere along the line (I am guessing from my very own supermom) I picked up the idea that doing it all was what I was supposed to do. I've learned the hard way I can't and a few days of feeling horrible is a good reminder that Gman and the kids can take care of themselves even if they don't like it very much. It was also a good reminder that Gman is my soul mate and that I probably don't show him nearly enough appreciation for just being him. Stay tuned for my review of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting. It has been a real think piece for me on the theme of what is expected of us as mothers so I'll post it here and not just on Maven Says.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Despite my absent mindedness, she passed!
Gman sent me an e-mail this morning confirming our evening plans--he would pick up the girls and take them to the ice rink for PDQs ice skating lesson. Great plan, if Mom had remembered to bring along her skating bag. Instead I dispatched him to the house to pick up the bag and I volunteered to pick up the girls at the babysitter and bring them to the rink to make up for miscue this morning. I was packed up and ready to go at 4:27 this afternoon. The phone rang, one point led into another and finally I told him I had to go for ice skating and I was off. 4:37, 5:00 lessons, pick up two kids who are never ready, crap. Call Gman, where are you honey? The rink. Okay, I'll be there ASAP just wait for me out front and we'll do the exchange. PDQ was totally inappropriately dressed for ice skating in a summer dress and no socks. There were dirty socks in the daycare bag but Gman gets BIG bonus points for throwing tights in the ice skating bag. I let out PDQ at the curb and Gman sat through her lesson. Boobah and I headed home to cook dinner.
PDQ came flying through the front door, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy look! The coveted Basic 4 badge gripped in her hand like $100 bill. Her cheeks were glowing and she threw her arms around me. How could you not be thrilled for her? I wish I could summons that much excitement for anything! I was happy for her, proud of her accomplishment and so glad to have finally gotten through this level--I think it was the fifth time! The instructor had told me before that the younger kids usually take several tries to pass this level because of the difficulty of the moves and the need to do them really well before progressing. Sometimes I wonder at all the things PDQ has to learn to do with her body in quick succession and how little she still is. The difference between the older girls and the 5-6 year olds is apparent the first time they try to get their legs to cross over or spin around. Stubby legs have a much harder time complying. Here's to you my darling girl for your positive attitude, your genuine joy, and your constant smile.
I asked her if she still wanted to take a break until skating camp this summer and she gave me the thumbs up. I had a moment of selfishness hoping that her success wasn't going to push her into the next session of lessons. She'll continue the next 5 weeks of soccer and then we are "off" activities until swim lesson time this summer. We can certainly all use the break!
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
It takes a village and it stresses me out
I have to say I am feeling like a bitch because I am mad at someone who is taking a long time to bounce back from surgery. PDQs babysitter had surgery back in March and thought she’d take off three weeks. One of those weeks was spring break so although stressful, trying to cover 3 weeks was something we could work with. Now that 3 weeks has turned in to 6. I am feeling wholly unproductive at work and my stomach and my head ache trying to figure out what to do for next week and wondering if 6 weeks is going to turn into 8 or 10. Thankfully Gman has fielded the calls that have come in to let us know she wasn’t ready to go back to work yet. I am angry that she wasn’t more upfront about the potential recovery time. I’ve since talked to several people who had the surgery/know someone who did and said it took them MONTHS to bounce back! I feel bad being mad at someone who is recovering but I really don’t think she has any concept of the complication she’s added to our lives or those of any of the other parents. I’ve used a home daycare for six years and never had issues, this year has been one issue after another, thankfully the person who put up with me for the first five of those six years is still taking care of Boobah and is willing to step in and help out. And I have been paying her handsomely for it, not because she asked but because I feel like she deserves it. I know I am lucky that my employer has an emergency care provider benefit for up to 10 days a year, it has been a great help while paying double daycare costs, unfortunately I’ve exhausted it for the year and who knows when things will return to normal. I dread telling her that we won’t be back in the fall; I’d made that decision before this happened but now it is clear, crystal clear that we need another arrangement.
I also feel bad that I’ve taken advantage of friends and neighbors. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who have been willing to pitch in and help out. I don’t want to be the person known for taking advantage of them though. The last thing I want is this whole ordeal to strain a friendship. They’ve all said it is no problem at all, I hope they are telling me the truth. I was also able to arrange things at work so I didn’t have to depend on them too much. On Thursday, that all blows up in my face. I have a HUGE meeting that needs to be run well and the output generated into a presentation for the board of directors. The people in the meeting are contentious and under the best of circumstances it would be difficult. The meeting runs the entire morning, when I should be dropping off and picking up the kids. Gman traded mornings with me so he can do the drop off part. I am yet to find someone to do the double pick-up duty since the girls are in different places and need to be picked up around the same time. Next week I have to review the outcome of that meeting and another with the executive staff, they haven’t given us a time yet, how much you want to bet its during drop-off or pick-up?
Never have I been so glad the school year is almost over! Camp won’t close down, it will cause minor schedule upheaval but compared to these 6 weeks its nothing. Next year both girls will be somewhere all day. No running between schools in the middle of the day or fancy footwork. It will be such a relief. I am so tired of trying to keep all of the balls in the air and I know I am really lucky since Gman pitches in to help where he can.
I also feel bad that I’ve taken advantage of friends and neighbors. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who have been willing to pitch in and help out. I don’t want to be the person known for taking advantage of them though. The last thing I want is this whole ordeal to strain a friendship. They’ve all said it is no problem at all, I hope they are telling me the truth. I was also able to arrange things at work so I didn’t have to depend on them too much. On Thursday, that all blows up in my face. I have a HUGE meeting that needs to be run well and the output generated into a presentation for the board of directors. The people in the meeting are contentious and under the best of circumstances it would be difficult. The meeting runs the entire morning, when I should be dropping off and picking up the kids. Gman traded mornings with me so he can do the drop off part. I am yet to find someone to do the double pick-up duty since the girls are in different places and need to be picked up around the same time. Next week I have to review the outcome of that meeting and another with the executive staff, they haven’t given us a time yet, how much you want to bet its during drop-off or pick-up?
Never have I been so glad the school year is almost over! Camp won’t close down, it will cause minor schedule upheaval but compared to these 6 weeks its nothing. Next year both girls will be somewhere all day. No running between schools in the middle of the day or fancy footwork. It will be such a relief. I am so tired of trying to keep all of the balls in the air and I know I am really lucky since Gman pitches in to help where he can.
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